High Street Ken's Diary

Boris exposed as wiff-waff 'cheat'

Much coverage yesterday of alleged babydaddy Boris Johnson's ping-pong playing at a London school. What the Mayor doesn't publicise,however, is that he prefers to stack the odds in his favour. Johnsonrevealed to a reporter this week that Met Commissioner Sir PaulStephenson had challenged him to a swimming race. But, as Stephensonexplained to Nick Ferrari on LBC Radio yesterday, that gauntlet wasonly thrown down after the Mayor thrashed him at table tennis.Johnson has been known to construct an impromptu "wiff-waff" tableat City Hall, by pushing desks together and using a pile of books asa net. Stephenson admits to being "palpably hopeless" at the sport.

And yet, claims the Commissioner, Johnson "cheats when he setsthe table up... I know we're now being shockingly indiscreet, but hestarted it - and he cheats where he puts the books. I think it'soutrageous, and it shows a competitive edge that goes beyondreasonableness." Boris, competitive? Perish the thought.

Six strokes of the birch will surely be meted out to someone atthe Department for Education, after minister John Hayes delivered aspeech in parliament, large chunks of which appear to have beenlifted directly from the Wikipedia entry on bank holidays. Far be itfrom this lowly hack to castigate anyone for fact-checking with thehelp of the most popular general reference work on the internet,which ranks seventh among all websites and has 365 million readers(or so I read somewhere). But to extract entire paragraphs of textand regurgitate them before the House seems ill-judged, especiallygiven that Hayes' brief takes in the issue of plagiarism. Thus farhe has employed the so-called "Huhne Defence", and blamed aresearcher.

The Foreign Secretary will doubtless have been advised to keephis Irish jokes to himself while accompanying the Queen on her statevisit to the Emerald Isle. One of the more contentious gags inHague's once-lucrative after-dinner repertoire involved anEnglishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman naming their sons aftersaints' days (the Irishman called his "Pancake"). Of course, if hehappens to be sitting next to Prince Philip at dinner, then he mayget a laugh out of it.

The police are, you'll be pleased to know, taking even theslightest threat of terrorist activity seriously at this tense time.Documentary-maker Chris Atkins, the man behind the films Starsuckersand Taking Liberties, has been working on a pilot which includes asketch involving, he says, a "Road Runner-style comedy bomb". Hisprop-maker pal recently dropped off said "bomb" at the front desk ofAtkins' office building in Brick Lane, where it was left with areceptionist. Filming was delayed, and Atkins forgot about it.

Yesterday, he finally asked front desk if they had a package forhim: "'What sort of package?' they asked. So I told them it was afake bomb. I was called into the manager's office like a naughtyschoolboy and told that someone had found it and called 999. SpecialBranch and the bomb squad descended, sirens blaring, and evacuatedthe whole building. I've had to write the police an email to say,'Sorry, and can I have my bomb back?' I still need it for thesketch."

Once again my reputation for factual vagueness has been burnishedwith the help of Crispin Mount, scourge of South-western Tories andthis column's Cotswold correspondent (though I must say, Crispin,that your job hangs by a thread).

Last week Crispin brought news of the nation's youngest localcouncillor - Joe Harris, 18 - being elected to the Cotswold DistrictCouncil. Harris first came to international attention via thesepages after complaining to the council about the lack of CCTV inCirencester, where he had been mugged. This much is true (or, atleast, it better be). Rather less accurate was my assertion thatCirencester's CCTV coverage had been cut due to budgetaryconsiderations.

"No cameras have been switched off because of budget cuts,"explains Rosemary Lynn, the CDC member responsible for CCTV. In2009, she continues, with admirable restraint, "in consultation withthe police... the number of hours that the cameras were monitored bystaff was reduced...[to] match the days and times at which themajority of incidents that are reported to the police occur." Asplendid idea. Crispin, would you mind stepping into my office?

highstreetken@independent.co.uk